


the water runs clear and blue (it was always you)

by classichysteria



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Bisexual Alex Gaskarth, Bisexual Jack Barakat, Cancer, Fluff, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentions of Cancer, Sad, Sad Ending, Sickfic, Terminal Illness, mentions of vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classichysteria/pseuds/classichysteria
Summary: no matter how tight he holds him or how many times “always” and “forever” fall from his chapped lips, jack can’t promise alex he’ll even be here by christmas.
Relationships: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	the water runs clear and blue (it was always you)

**Author's Note:**

> this is complete fiction. i do not own all time low. the only thing that is mine is the story.
> 
> this is a romantic fanfiction. the story focuses on a romantic relationship and is not going to be inherently unromanticised or accurate. this was written for entertainment purposes only and is not written with intention of mocking those who have suffered. i understand this is a serious topic and i’m not trying to offend anyone with this story.

His head was currently shoved between a cushion and the back of the sofa in a dark green room with the door shut. He knew this was unlike him but quite frankly, he didn't give a shit. The pain in his head was unbearable and light or noise just made it worse.  
These headaches weren't a rare occurrence in Jack's life, I mean he spent every day for months under intense lights and surrounded by noise, never mind the partying that came from being in a band. 

He was happy this was the last show before the flight home, the show would be hell on earth and he'd probably want death for hours afterwords but hey, once he was home, he would be home for months. And being home for months meant plenty of rest.

Jack was quite content with just lying here forever but obviously his best mate had other plans. The elder boy came bounding into the room, pushing the door open so harsh it hit the wall and turning the light on without any warning. Jack winced at the pain Alex had accidentally inflicted on him, this sight didn't surprise Alex. Wether that be from the countless times he and the other boys had felt a bit shit after too much alcohol or extended usage of strobe lighting or from the fact Jack had been doing this pretty much all day everyday for a fortnight.

"Jacky! Wakey Wakey!" Alex shouted, shaking the younger.  
The pain in Jack's head intensified and his low pain tolerance didn't help, tears began forming. "Alex, fuck off!" He sort of snapped, instantly feeling guilty.  
"Woahhhh, sorry dude." Alex put his hands up and backed away, breaking into a sprint.  
The dull aching in Jack's head just got worse as he got up to turn the light off again, just as he stood next to the doorframe where the light switch was placed next to, Rian came over to him.  
"What's up with you?" Rian asked.  
"Nothing." Jack answered with a sigh, rubbing his temple.  
"Alex said you were pissed, I assume you're hungover." Rian gave a chuckle.  
Usually, if he had a headache he'd blame it on being hungover because that's what it probably was. He was a rockstar. He partied. But this time he'd had a dull ache in his head for weeks, he didn't know what it was but it sure as hell was not a hangover.  
"Nah, just had a headache for a while. Probably just lack of sleep or too many strobe lights like Zack last tour."  
Rian raised an eyebrow.  
"Ri, I promise. I haven't drunk in two days. My head feels like it's in a vice."   
Rian's facial expression changed to worry.  
"I'm fine. It's not that weird to get a headache." He said, judging by the look on Rian's face it had came out rude. Before Jack could say anything the elder was turning on his heel and walking down the hall.

He sighed, dragging his hand through his hair and giving himself a quiff rather than his classic fringe. He decided to go grab something to eat, maybe that would ease his pain. He knew it wouldn't but it was worth a shot.

Jack walked to the McDonald's not far from the venue All Time Low would be performing in tonight, he had forgotten to put on a hoodie so was freezing in the chilly wind, clad in only grey sweatpants and a black BONER shirt. He pushed the door to the restaurant open pretty rough as he was starving. He focused his eyes on his converse as he walked to the group of people stood near the cash registers. He went up to the first free space and ordered a strawberry milkshake, a quarter pounder and fuck it, some chicken McNuggets. 

Waiting in line was boring as shit and all he could focus on was the aching still prominent in his head, he had never been in pain like this for such an extended period of time. It confused him, it really did. He had never really thought about it. Now he was starting to worry. What if something was seriously wrong? Probably not though, he's young. Twenty-four to be exact.

Jack thoroughly enjoyed his greasy fast food. A perk to touring was the fast food. He loved it. It was just so good and addictive too. 

He was a pretty fast eater so was done in about fifteen minutes, just missing a rain shower. It was still fucking freezing outside, the cool weather distracting him from his headache slightly. That was when he felt it, a burning sensation in his throat. His lunch was soon on its way back up. Jack held his stomach as he made his way to the side of some random building, doubling over and throwing his guts up. "Fuck." He exclaimed. Staring at the bile on what was, some well kept grass. 

The walk back to the venue was unpleasant, he didn't throw up again but he felt ready to and his head was still driving him mad, the weather obviously wasn't going to warm up. He was miserable. Why couldn't he just go home now? That's right. The massive queue of fans outside the venue.

Only a few more hours.

The second round of bile leaving his body came when he was stood backstage, half an hour before the show. Jack had told the other guys he wasn't a hundred percent and had apologised profusely for any mistakes he may make.   
"-it's like seven? I think?" Alex had said, although he wasn't paying attention to anything but trying to keep the remains of his breakfast and lunch in his stomach.  
"Yeah. He guessed too but I really don't know dude." Rian replied.  
He had to go.  
He tried to spit out some sort of explanation for his sudden dash to find the nearest bathroom but if he opened his mouth he'd spew so he was stuck with erratic hand gestures, confusing the living daylights out of Alex.   
If Jack had been feeling some flavour of "normal" he probably would've thought about how good Alex looked but his only thought was "bathroombathroombathroombathroom".  
He made it, just in time, bruising his knees with the force he had slammed them down in front of the toilet bowl with. He didn't care about hygiene at this specific moment and just started to projectile any food he had left in him into the sickening white porcelain bowl in front of him.  
Jack barely realised that Alex was knelt beside him, "Jay, are you okay?" Alex asked, voice laced with concern.  
Jack just nodded, "water." He spluttered. The taste of vomit was vile.

Alex helped the other boy up, holding him in his arms for just a few seconds. They walked back through to where the other two were.

The show began, the sounds of their latest album blasting through the speakers. Jack stopped thinking about worry or nausea or headaches or pain, just the music and the boy beside him.  
Jack wasn't straight. It was a fact of life (not that anyone knew it). He wasn't gay either, however. He was a strong believer in "fuck labels". He watched as Alex's face shone in the bright stage lights, the sweat droplets glistening on his warm skin, he ran over and wrapped his arm around Alex. The crowd erupted in screams and Jack bent down, his face level with the older boy's crotch, he put his hand in a blowjob motion. The crowd erupting in more screams.   
The song died down and both Jack and Alex were back at their mics.  
"You guys seemed to like Jack giving me a blowjob, maybe we should make a porn movie." Alex laughed, breathy as he attempted to catch his breath from running around like a headless chicken on stage.  
"Yeah! Straight to-" Shit. Jack thought. He'd forgotten the word, it was like a CD. But a movie. Shitshitshit FUCK. He racked his brain but to no avail, Alex glanced over, taking in Jack's panicked features. The elder was confused.  
Alex took the attention off of the skunk haired man, laughing he continued in a deep voice, "Straight To DVD Two: Jack and Alex's sex tape." The crowd roared in laughter. Jack just wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

Jack went into the crowd during Dear Maria, holding the hands of crying girls, high-fiving screaming boys, taking in faces and this experience as if it was his last time being here. He knew it wasn't but he lived every day as if it was his last. That was Jack Barakat.

He threw his guitar and ran over to Alex as the song neared it's end, he jumped into the pink haired lad's arms. Alex was practically serenading him.

God he loved concerts.

The four of them were high on adrenaline as they exited the stage. Their excited chatter cut off when Jack doubled over and threw up without warning.  
"Shit." The youngest member of All Time Low cursed as he wiped his chin from the final remains of today's meals.  
"Jack, dude, are you alright?" Rian asked, dad mode kicking into gear.  
"I- I don't know, my head is killing me. Need sleep." Jack stuttered, staggering away from the group to find the green room he had spent hours before the show in.  
Alex chased after him, fearful of what might be going on with his best friend.

Jack collapsed on the couch. Pain overwhelmed him. The dull ache turned into throbbing and he felt awful. He just wanted to go back to an hour ago when he wasn't thinking about why the lights are so goddamn bright and the people are so goddamn loud and his head is goddamn sore.

Alex walked in slower and calmer than he had a few hours back, he looked at Jack, he was laying on the couch on his back. Eyes closed, one hand on his bare forehead and one hand on his stomach.  
Alex approached him quietly, "Jay, we have to meet some fans. You can rest later. We can have a Home Alone marathon on the bus?"  
Jack's tired eyes took a few moments to open and he took a few seconds to register Alex's words.  
He nodded, standing up slowly and taking Alex's hand. It was soft, warm and moisturised. Nice. Comforting.

It was difficult but hearing his fans', his boys and girls' stories made it worth it. What did he do to deserve such nice people looking up to him? He didn't know. They did though, they called him funny, talented, handsome, kind, caring, he couldn't help think about Alex when the kids listed off those words. He smiled at the other boy with a little too much adoration. 

After the meet and greet, the band were shipped off to the Airport to fly home after touring for three months. 

"I'm so exhausted." Jack groaned, sliding into an uncomfortable plastic chair.  
"When are you not "so exhausted"?" Alex grumbled, it had barely even been an hour and the boys were already sick to death of the Airport.  
"I dunno. Why is it so loud in here?" Jack lay his head on Alex's shoulder.  
"Eh it's not really but I guess it's not doing your head wonders?" Alex began playing with Jack's hair.  
"Yeah. S'still really sore." Jack snuggled into Alex's side.  
"Have you tried pain killers?" Alex asked into the younger's hair.  
"Yeah, doesn't help. Constant. Throbbing. Don't like it." Jack sounded so broken, sad and hurt.  
It broke the elder boy.  
Jack was the light of so many lives, why was he the one suffering with constant headaches? He wished he could take Jack's pain and make it his own.

The four were now boarding their plane.

Jack was tight to Alex's side. The pain was horrible but he felt as if Alex could protect him. It always been that way, ever since they had first met all those years ago. When Jack was an insecure kid, a loudmouth but scared of the future. He wanted to make it just like Tom DeLonge but was so incredibly nervous he wasn't good enough but Alex proved he was good enough. Alex was the first person he played guitar to, the first person he showed any music he wrote to, Alex supported him through everything. They even got to travel the world together, Alex dragged him into store after store in Japan, Alex made him eat snails in France because he thought it would be funny, Alex "accidentally" sent him to a nudist beach in Spain, Alex "accidentally" told him they were performing in a room that actually turned out to be a furry convention. If it had been anyone else, he'd have been pissed but Alex? It was hilarious.  
Alex could make him smile no matter what.  
Alex could make his world light up just by existing.  
Alex was his best friend.  
He was sure Alex was his soulmate.

Jack and Alex fell asleep curled up together on the plane.

As they began their decent, Alex asked how his head was doing, expecting him to say it was better after a rest. After all, it was probably just exhaustion or something.

"No, it's still fucking throbbing and I feel like I'm gonna throw up again." Jack mumbled, freeing himself to go to the bathroom.

After he was gone Alex turned around and got Rian and Zack's attention, "what's going on with him?" He asked.

"No idea, maybe he should go to the hospital once we're home?" Zack suggested.  
Rian nodded, attempting to fall back asleep.

Jack arrived back not long after, eyelids dropping.  
Alex pulled him into his chest and held him tight. No one would hurt his Jack.

Jack had decided to stay with Alex upon throwing up three times in an hour and the pain in his head never once dying down.

They trudged through the doorway to the elder's apartment, suitcases and shoes being dumped at the door, both boys running to the couch. Collapsing in a fit of giggles. Alex lay with Jack on his chest, idly playing with his hair as they watched junk on TLC.

They had been home barely half an hour when Jack was rushing to the bathroom, retching echoing through the apartment. Alex felt sick to his stomach. 

Alex watched as Jack reentered the living room, dragging his feet along the wood floors, the usual spring in his step was completely gone. The smile that could be advertised on a billboard was missing from his slender face.

He plopped himself down beside Alex, Alex remembers the last time Jack stayed here. Every second of the day Jack's voice was bouncing off the walls, "Alex come look at this!" "Alex can we make brownies!" "Alex can we make a blanket fort!" but now the apartment was filled with silence and retching and the occasional groan because his head was kept in an invisible vice and all Alex could do was watch as tears welled up in his chocolate eyes.

It was late now, the moon hung in the dark sky, starts not too visible as the glow of city lights and nightlife was too strong. If Jack was feeling better they'd probably be at a bar right now. Alex remembered the time they met the guy from One Direction- Louis! Louis Tomlinson. At a gay bar. Not one of them knew why they were there, but hey, it was fun and Jack loved hearing the gossip. The gossip that comes with being in a place filled with so many people who couldn't express themselves anywhere else. Let's just say they left knowing a little more about Louis than the general public did.

Alex watched as Jack slept, not in a creepy way. It was just odd to see a person who was so active in such a still, calmed state. His features were still and laced with sleep rather than his usual bright smile and energy. He sat down on the bed beside him, brushing the black and blonde hair out of his eyes, caressing his jaw and cheeks. His breath was soft and warm. Like he himself. The Jack he wanted people to see him as was very different from the Jack his close friends knew. Jack, to him, was caring. Always listening and cuddling up. Jack however, to everyone else, was loud. Never stopped to listen to anyone or anything, always moving. Always on the go. Bouncing off the walls and shouting. That's probably why he was viewed as the partier of the band, the rockstar. 

Jack was also very tall, lanky, six fucking foot but as he slept he was tiny, venerable and Alex just wanted to protect him. He just wanted to slip behind him and pull him into his chest. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair and kiss his neck.

Alex stood up from the bed, turning off the lamp on the beside table. He walked towards the hallway cautiously, trying not to trip in the dark. He flicked on the light and continued on to the living room, flicking on the light there too.

He sat down on the couch, putting his feet up and plugging his headphones into his phone.

He found himself selecting The Young Veins, Cape Town.

The first verse came and passed but the next few lines felt like they were there to last, they sunk under his skin and got stuck under his nails like dirt.

"I saw you, I met you  
I loved you, I left you  
In cape town"

They were simple but tugged at Alex's heart strings in a way he couldn't quite describe, and for a reason he couldn't quite find.

He looked over at the couch across from him. It was cold and empty. Jack's hoodie lain across it. 

A space without Jack had become unusual in the past months, yes, being without his band mates was a phenomenon he didn't have much experience with, having grown up with the other lads, but recently Jack had become his other half. The younger had became almost dependent on him. 

Alex must've fallen asleep as he was woken up by the sounds of the toilet flushing, he jumped a little as his ears focused on the music pouring from his earbuds which had changed dramatically during his slumber.

"Jack?" He called. Seconds of silence. "Jack?" He called once more.

"Huh, yeah, yeah it's me." A voice called back, footsteps nearing the room Alex was sat in.

The younger boy was now stood in the doorway, black and blonde hairs disheveled by sleep, old sweatpants hanging from his bony hips, tattoos illuminated nicely in the artificial light. 

They remained in silence for a few moments before Jack laughed, "Alex? Are you listening to Katy Perry?".

Alex began giggling, wether at his unconscious music choice or at Jack's goddamn adorable face he didn't know.

"Yes!" He answered in phoney defence.  
"Well put it on the speakers, boy!" The skunk haired boy acted as if Alex was his slave. He bounded over and flopped onto the couch as Alex got up to put it on the speakers.

They were both in fits of giggles, Jack standing up as Katy's vocals filled the living room. The city outside was asleep but Jack and Alex were well awake.

"Summer after high school, when we first met  
Make out in your mustang to Radiohead." Alex sang, gazing into Jack's eyes.  
"And on my eighteenth birthday, we got matching tattoos." Jack sang back, cheeks beginning to flush red, "Alex?" He asked.   
"Yeah." The other boy giggled.  
"We should get matching tattoos." Jack suggested, unknown if he was drenched in incoherent three am thoughts or if this was a serious idea.  
"Maybe." He smiled, slender arms finding their way around a skinny waist.

"Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you." Alex continued singing.  
"In another life, I would be your boy  
We keep all our promises, be us against the world." They giggled after Jack's lyric change, moving closer,  
"In another life, I would make you stay." Alex sang.   
They were lost in the music and each other. They could feel the warmth of breath and skin alike, they may be in love. They may not be. But that didn't matter, all that mattered was each other's presence, whatever that means. They were in a headspace only they'd experience. Behind closed doors and alone.

The sounds of Katy Perry fizzled out, replaced with the thumping guitars and drums of One Direction,

"I know you want, know you wanna take it slow." Alex sang, breathing softly, Jack taking it all in because it felt better than anything else ever could.  
"Think about all the places we could go  
If you give in tonight." Jack laughed, blush painting his features.  
"Just let me set you free  
We'll touch the other side, just give me the key." Alex continued as if he was speaking directly to the younger male.

"'Cause we got all night  
And we're going nowhere  
Why don't you stay  
Why don't we go there?  
Let's take a ride  
Out in the cold air  
I know the way, why don't you go there with me?" They belted out together, all sorts of coordination and grace leaving for jumping and giggling, fond glares and bone breaking hugs. 

They couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else in any other way.

They collapsed on the floor at the end of the song, backs leaning against the soft, asses on the cold wood floor. Alex had Jack in his arms. He took the boy's features in, studying every dip in his skin, every freckle, every texture, all of it. He looked at him as if he could disappear at any moment, as if being here with his skin pressed against his own was something he'd lose.   
Alex watched as Jack's eyelashes fluttered shut, he brushed his dark fringe out of his face and smiled. "I think we should get matching tattoos." He whispered, lifting him up bridal style.  
The brown haired boy walked out of the living room, through the hall and to his bedroom, flicking the lights off as he went. He entered the bedroom, putting Jack down on the bed. He was surprisingly light for a fully grown man. Alex walked around to his side, getting in and pulling the other man close to his chest. He felt Jack nuzzle into him. This is what home felt like and they both knew that.

Jack woke up the next morning still tangled in Alex's arms, he didn't have time to think before he was rushing to the bathroom to throw his guts up.  
Tears began flowing after the vomiting had ceased. What was wrong with him? Why was he even puking? He hadn't eaten in ages? Why was he always in pain? Why couldn't Alex protect him from the monster inside him like he protected him from the assholes in school and the jerks who hated the band? Why? Just why? Whywhywhy?  
He pushed himself up and dragged himself back to the bedroom on shaky legs, pain overwhelming him and drowsiness swallowing him whole. 

He flopped back into bed with Alex, tears still escaping.  
"Alex?" He whimpered, voice exhausted and weak.  
"Mhm." Alex hummed in recognition.  
"D-do you always promise to keep me safe?" It didn't quite come out like he wanted it to but anything is good.  
"Of course, Jacky. Always and forever. You're like the sun, the sunshine in the lazy days of June." Alex pulled him in closer to further cement how he promised to forever protect the younger boy. He did, however, feel a pang of guilt in his chest. He couldn't protect the boy from what he was now bouncing back out of the bed to do, vomit. Once. Twice. Thrice. 

It became constant over the next few days.

Alex had Jack pulled up to his side, cuddled under his arm as they watched Wall-E. Jack was drifting in and out of consciousness, pain overwhelming him. His head had been throbbing like this for what had to be over a month and he was too wrapped up in pain and nausea to even worry about his health. He let out a whine of pain before running to the bathroom to do what his body was now accustomed to doing.

They were eating pizza, Alex sprawled out on the floor like a starfish, Jack sat on the couch in what could only be described as an odd position but hey, he's not a heterosexual so he can't sit right even if he tried. The pizza was good. So good. Even if the younger male could only eat a few slices with his quickly diminishing appetite, he used to be able to eat a whole pizza himself. He didn't spend long mourning his old eating habits because before he knew it he was groaning over a toilet bowl once again. When would it stop?

Summer was well underway by the time Jack felt he had enough energy to ask Alex if they could leave the house and do something. 

Jack was sat at the breakfast bar, scrolling through Twitter. "Alex?" He asked.  
"Yeah." Alex smiled, putting down the dishes he was stuffing into the dishwasher.  
"Can we go to the beach for my birthday?" Jack asked.  
"Are you feeling better? You've been sick a lot and I don't want anything happening to you?" Alex said, rightfully concerned.  
"Come onnnn, I'm fine usually. I mean my head hurts and I puke a bit but I'm fine and my birthday is my favourite time of year. Please Alex." Jack pleaded.  
"Fine." Alex rolled his eyes playfully.

The Friday of that week was when they left.

They stood at the bus station early in the morning, the sun still rising. The sky was a pretty painting, filled with many shades of yellow and orange. Jack kept comparing the beauty of the morning sky to Alex and he'd blush and bury his head in Jack's chest, gaining looks of awe from old couples who saw themselves in the two boys.

Jack and Alex fell in love that weekend.

Not that they hadn't always been in complete adoration of each other but living together and spending a vacation under the sun together just made them fall completely and utterly. In every meaning of the expression, the two dorky Baltimore boys were in love. They were soulmates.

The bus arrived and they were practically bouncing off each other in excitement, Alex was sure Jack was ripping his hand off. Not that he cared. The driver rolled his eyes at the giddy boys as Alex payed their fare, they were sickening everyone with their love. 

Alex sat on the window seat, Jack cuddled in beside him. His head was in the crook of Alex's neck and Alex put his head on top of his. They laced their fingers together on their laps. 

The bus journey wasn't uncomfortably long. It consisted of Jack falling asleep, waking up, groaning, throwing up in a paper bag, Alex soothing him and Jack falling asleep again. Jack regenerated some of his energy upon seeing the hotel. It reminded him that they were in fact; on vacation. 

They practically skipped hand in hand into the lobby, giggling and throwing glares of pure awe to one another as if the world needed reminded of how sickly in love the boys were. 

Alex carried Jack up to their room bridal style and threw him down on the big white hotel bed laughing. He jumped down beside him, "how about we hit the carnival? Hmm?" Alex asked, laying his head on the other boy's chest.  
"Yes." Jack smiled, kissing Alex's hair.

When they got to the carnival it was early afternoon, not too busy, not too quiet.

Jack suggested they play some games first, he promised to win Alex a teddy bear and Alex grinned and nodded. Jack grabbed his hand and they ran towards a red booth covered in little brown bears holding soft red hearts.

They stood in front of the game, you had to knock down all of the cans in a stack with a little ball to win a bear. Alex held onto Jack as he threw one ball, knocking a few, another, missed, his last, he did it! Alex grabbed his face and kissed his lips in celebration.   
Jack excitedly pointed at a bear and the stout looking middle aged man handed it over, sighing at the sight of yet another lovesick young couple.  
"Now before I hand this over, my dear Alexander. Will you be my companion?" Jack laughed in a phoney posh voice, "or just my boyfriend." He smiled.  
"Of course!" Alex engulfed him in a bone crushing hug, taking the bear from his grasp. "I'm naming it Jack!" 

They skipped off hand in hand towards the rest of the fair.

As afternoon became evening they began their search for food despite the fact Jack had been consistently throwing his guts up behind rides and stalls. They were still giddy as ever, though.

"Churros?" Jack suggested, pointing at a white truck that had a large sign for churros.  
"Sure, I want some fries though." Alex smiled, "eat them on the beach?"  
"Of course." Jack smiled, kissing his forehead.

They found a spot near the ocean, taking off their shoes and socks off they dipped their feet in the ocean. Alex yelped slightly and the cold blue water nipping his toes, Jack laughed and nudged him, splashing him with some water.  
"What do you think the future will be like?" Alex asked.  
"What? Like flying cars?" Jack giggled.  
"Noooo, dumb ass. Our future."   
"I think in like ten years time we'll have kids. Definitely." The younger smiled, it may seem soon considering they only became official hours earlier but they had known each other for over a decade, they'd been joined at the hip since middle school. It's not like they had just fallen in love. They had just realised. They had always known but never payed attention to it and they had both silently agreed that realising was the bast choice they had ever made.  
"You'll be an amazing dad, Jacky. I bet you'll buy them water guns and that's how I'll be woken up every morning." Alex said, fondly.  
"I'll corrupt them and you'll be the parent that gets no sleep because our son is worried and you're the one he wants to comfort him." Jack laughed. "I'll be over protective though."  
"Especially with dating. I can imagine you up at three in the morning tearing your hair out because our teenage daughter is at a boy's house and I'll have to explain that you were once the boy the girl snuck out to be with."  
The elder ate a fry as he finished his sentence.  
"You're not wrong." Jack laughed, fondly remembering getting in arguments with his parents for sneaking out with random girls every night.

The sun was now setting over them, they felt as if they were in some cheesy romance movie. Discussing their future together on a beach as the sun went down but they wouldn't change a thing about this experience.

They walked back in the dark, the lights of the carnival and various hotels and bars lighting their way.

"I think I'm gonna go to the hospital once we're home." Jack announced as they walked along the sidewalk.  
"For your head?" Alex asked, mentally slapping himself, of course it was for his head!  
"And the vomiting. I think I'll call them when we're back at the hotel and schedule something for next week."  
"Good plan."

As he said he would, Jack called the doctor's office when they got back. He didn't think it would be anything bad enough for the actual emergency room. He explained his symptoms and they said he had to go in for a scan on Tuesday. Nothing major.

Alex fell asleep pretty easily, originally. He had only slept for a bit when he was woken up by Jack retching and groaning in the bathroom, flushing the toilet and getting back into bed. Repeat that cycle once every half hour. Eventually Alex gave up and walked out to the lobby to call Rian.

"Hey man!" Rian answered, happy despite it being two in the morning.  
"I hope I'm not bothering you but I can't sleep and I'm worried about Jack." Alex sighed.  
"Why?" The younger male asked.  
"Remember the headaches and the vomiting?" The elder asked, Rian humming in remembrance. "Well, they haven't stopped and the vomiting has became constant. He's going to the hospital on Tuesday but I'm so scared it's something serious."  
Rian honestly didn't know what to say considering he was pretty sure this was something serious, after all, Jack had been feeling horrendous for what? Over a month? However he responded, "I'm sure it'll be fine, Al. Just try and get some rest, I'll come over as soon as you're back and I'm always here. In the mean time try and make sure he isn't too sore. It'll probably just be a virus."  
"True. Love you bro." Alex sighed.  
"Love you too." Rian hung up and Alex walked back into the dark hotel room.

As he entered, he peaked into the en-suite.  
"Jack?" He said, looking at the boy who was sat motionless by the toilet bowl, head sunk into it.  
"Yeah?" The boy said, voice weak and tired, slightly echoed by the porcelain bowl.  
"Are you alright until Tuesday, babe you sound like you're dying." Alex gave a lighthearted laugh, attempting to brighten the mood slightly.  
"Alex, what if I am dying?" Jack said, not a hint of emotion in his words.  
"I promise you aren't." Alex said, getting down behind him and rubbing circles into his back.  
"How do you know? This shit is so fucking.... shit. I kind of fucking wish I was." Jack choked out.  
Alex was lost for words, how did he know he wasn't dying? Come on Alex he's healthy and only twenty-five years old. He's going to be fine.  
"Come on Jay, let's just go back to bed." Alex sighed. Jack reached out his hand and Alex helped him up, the younger boy immediately cuddling into him, clutching him like a koala as they walked back to their bed.

They slept as best the could that night.

They slept as much as they could on the way home.

People at the bus station looked at them with glances of sympathy rather than the slight frustration and awe they gave on the way their because instead of giddy excitement, Jack was crying into Alex's shoulder in pain and throwing up in the trash can.

They watched several movies when they got home. Sleeping through most of them too.

Jack didn't even try to watch Home Alone. He sighed every time he got up to empty whatever scraps of food he'd eaten at some point out of his stomach. He didn't understand what his body even had to get rid of by this point, his appetite once large now minuscule in comparison. And groaned once he leaned back into Alex's side to fall asleep.

Alex would've never imagined, a few months ago, a time where Jack didn't want to watch Home Alone or a time where he barely spoke or ate but now that's where Alex lived. He lived with the shell of a boy he so adored, not that this got rid of his immense love towards this tall, lanky, bright character. No matter what came of this mystery illness, Jack would always be his Jack and he'd love and protect him through Hell on Earth.

Tuesday arrived. Jack left early that morning, told Alex to get some more sleep.

Jack cried on the bus to the hospital the doctor sent him to. He cried in the bathroom before he went to sign himself in. He held his tears in when his name was called because his gut was telling him his life was over.

He was sent home knowing the results of his scans would be sent by mail in the coming days.

Jack didn't go home to Alex that afternoon.

He went to his apartment, that smelled stale as he hadn't been in it in at least six months. He walked through the dark, desolate halls to the kitchen, grabbing the first paper and pen he saw.

"Dear Alex" was what he first wrote on the page, writing a bit before deciding to continue later that week once his fate had been sealed. He shoved the paper in his pocket before walking the same way he entered, locking the door and continuing to Alex's where he knew the brown haired boy would be waiting.

He was walking the sidewalk near Alex's apartment when a girl, about 5'3 with pink hair, came up to him. "Jack is that you?" She grinned. He nodded and smiled, no matter how shit he was feeling he'd always respect a fan and enjoy meeting them because he loved them and they brought him almost every good thing in his life.  
"Can I have a picture?" She asked, pulling out her small iPhone. He was grateful he didn't have to speak. He was tired of speaking. He nodded and smiled, posing with a peace sign. The girl thanked him for his music, his kindness and his joyfulness. She compared him to a rainbow, a sense of hope and light in the dark type. Which Jack found ironic as he was currently the least hopeful or joyful person, he just wanted something to put him out of his misery.

"You okay?" Was the first thing Alex said to Jack as he entered the apartment, head hung low.  
Jack just shook his head.  
Alex felt his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces.  
He pulled Jack into his arms, helping him through to the couch where they then lay.

He let Jack sob into his chest, Alex could sense the sheer, overwhelming fear and pain his boyfriend was experiencing. He had watched someone he loved so dearly crumble. 

It was that night as they lay in bed, Alex realised. 

Most likely, Jack was going to die.

"Alex?" Jack broke the heavy silence in the room, both boys were staring at the celling.  
"Jack?" Alex replied, unsure of what to say.  
"What will we name the kids?" Jack said, the use of present tense made Alex's heart ache. They both knew, deep down, Jack Barakat and Alex Gaskarth wouldn't have kids together. Jack probably wouldn't make it to the New Year never mind to thirty when they'd start seriously thinking about having kids together somehow.   
"I've always liked the name Grayson. I can see a little boy who looks just like you running around screaming, you chasing after him shouting "Grayson! Grayson!", tackling him and tickling him while he shrieks with laughter." Alex smiled sadly.  
"I like the name Leo. Also Charlie. And Lily. Honestly I just like children." Jack laughed.  
"I know you do, baby." Alex rolled over and put his arms around the younger boy, resting his head on his neck. "You'll be a great dad. The kids will love you."  
"Hey they'll love you too." Jack laughed, kissing his boyfriend's soft brown hair. He was so in love with him.  
"Imagine when they're teenagers." The elder laughed, fondly thinking of teenage Alex and Jack, barely ten years prior to the men in their twenties who were laying in bed together. One of them on death's doorstep for reasons out of their control, reasons they wished were in their control.  
"Oh god. I wonder if they'll try weed like I did."  
"And what Barakat? Think Jesus was walking on the celling? Hopefully we'll be at home to film it!" Alex laughed again, thinking about their intertwined pasts. Fond memories they shared.  
Jack laughed the signature Jack Barakat laugh, the one countless people across the world remembered. The one that thousands of kids in the crowd at their shows smiled at. The one that saved lives. If only it could save the one of the boy it belonged to.  
This laugh played as the soundtrack to nearly every good time Alex has ever had.

He held Jack tight in his arms, listening to his heartbeat.  
"Stay." He whispered into the younger boy's chest.  
Jack tightened his arms around Alex's waist, "always." He said, kissing the older boy's hair. He may not be able to keep that promise physically but no matter how large the distance between them became, their hearts would be intertwined forever. And always, just like he promised.

The letter came a few days later. Just like the doctor had said.

Jack was the one who read it.

He was the one who read his own death sentence.

It's not like it was a surprise.

It wasn't.

But it still tore him apart.

He was twenty-five years old. 

If he had a crisis it would be a quarter life crisis. His life was only twenty-five percent over. His dream had only just begun and now he was being torn from his family, his friends, his fans and the boy he planned to live until one hundred with. 

However part of him felt somewhat relieved, the pain in his head, the constant vomiting, all of this horrendous, indescribable pain. Would be over, and soon at that.

He stood for a second, just thinking when he remembered the letter he'd began writing. He put the other letter back on the floor in a hurry to finish his letter to Alex.

And he did finish it, along with a box of tissues.

Jack took both letters to Alex, his heart racing, palms sweating. He sat down beside Alex on the couch, cuddling into his side, Alex looked down at him and he handed both letters over.  
"Are these for me?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“Well, you can read the one with my name now, but you have to promise me one thing,” Jack locked eyes with the older boy, he nodded, “you won’t read the one with yours until January first two-thousand and fourteen.”  
Alex took both of Jack’s hands in his and didn’t move his eyes from Jack’s, “promise.”

Jack didn’t have the heart to straight up say to Alex to wait until he was gone so he just said New Year because making it to Christmas was a stretch never mind a few extra days, he just hoped that please, please may he survive until Alex’s birthday. He wanted the love of his life to see him for just one last birthday of his. He can’t imagine Alex’s heartbreaking like he knows it will, but luckily, he won’t be around to see it.

“I- I’m gonna close my eyes while you read the “my name” one”. Jack kissed the elder’s cheek, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

Alex’s heart stopped before he even began reading.

And it definitely didn’t restart after he read the sentences confirming his worst nightmare, no matter how much he knew or how much his gut knew. He always hoped. Always. But that hope meant nothing.

Jack had cancer.

No matter what, nothing could change that. 

It was the incurable brain eating monster kind. The kind no one can ever imagine getting or knowing someone who gets it, because it’s just too bad. It’s not like everyone thinks that they’re invincible, it’s just no one can imagine that sort of pain, Alex thinks. We’re all the main character in our own lives. We can’t imagine something like that happening to the main character or someone the main character loves so dearly, like Jack.

Alex throws the letter onto the ground, pulling Jack tightly into his arms and stuffing his head onto the crook of his neck. Inhaling his scent as much as humanly possibly, choking out a sob when he exhaled.  
“Hey, hey.” Jack said, patting Alex’s back, “I’m not gone yet.” He said quietly.  
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” Alex cried.  
Jack cupped Alex’s jaw and made their faces parallel, looking into the older boy’s glassy brown eyes, “I know you do Alex. You always have. Ever since you were that hyperactive fifteen year old who I made join my band and you always will, even when you’re old and grey with someone new by your side. And I can promise too, that no matter how far away I am or how long it’s been since we’ve sat like this, that I, Jack Bassam Barakat, will always, always, love you. Alexander William Gaskarth.”

Alex engulfed him in another hug, he never wanted to let go. Not now. Not ever. 

He didn’t want to let go when they had to tell Rian and he cried.

He didn’t want to let go when they told Zack, or they told Jack’s family.

He never wanted to let go.

Never.

They made a blanket fort on the couch that night, they watched all the Home Alone movies and cuddled like the main characters in a cheesy made for TV romance film. Alex’s mind couldn’t help wander to a dark place, what would Home Alone be without Jack? What if this was the last Christmas he watched it and it only because Jack had literally taped the cd player shut with it in? What if this was the last time he watched Jack’s face light up the entire time because he just loved it so much? He snuggled more into Jack, inhaling his scent and taking a happier sigh. He hadn’t lost his Jack yet. Not yet.

Alex sang a lot to Jack over the coming months.

They were now sat in late August, Alex was playing his guitar on the floor of their living room, back against the bottom of the couch, legs outstretched in front of him, pillows surrounding him. Jack sleeping, his head on a pillow on Alex’s calves and a fluffy blanket draped over his tired body.

Alex began playing a song, specifically a song that reminded him of the boy laying in his lap.

“I got a heart and I got a soul  
Believe me I will use them both  
We made a start  
Be it a false one, I know  
Baby, I don't want to feel alone.” The words came surprisingly well considering this wasn’t his song,  
“So kiss me where I lay down  
My hands press to your cheeks  
A long way from the playground.” Alex continued,  
“I have loved you since we were 18  
Long before we both thought the same thing  
To be loved, to be in love  
All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you  
I wanna love like you made me feel  
When we were 18.” He could feel the tears spill, he didn’t know if they were happy because he’d gotten slightly over a decade with this boy or they were sad because he felt like he’d been promised so much more.

He felt Jack stir, he turned slowly to face Alex. Big town eyes staring up at him, Jack spoke “I love that song, we should cover it. The four of us.”

Alex thought about it. Looked at Jack. Thought about it. Looked at Jack again. Thought about it once more, “once you’re less sleepy?” He said.

“Yes!” Jack smiled. God Alex’ll miss that face.

The day came about three weeks later, half way through September of two-thousand and thirteen.

Flyzik had carefully set up a camera, the four boys sat in Zack’s living room.

“Ready?” Flyzik asked, Zack and Jack nodding.  
“Yes!” Alex grinned, Rian laughing and throwing the thumbs up as Flyzik pressed record.  
“3, 2, 1, go!” Rian counted them in.

They did it first try. They were all grinning, smiles larger than their faces. You could feel the happiness radiating from the video. From All Time Low’s cover of One Direction’s 18. 

The video quickly hit number one on the youtube trending page, Liam Payne telling them how good it was and Niall Horan retweeting their tweet.

Jack and Alex couldn’t have been happier.

October arrived and Jack was laying on the couch surrounded by blankets and pillows laughing at his boyfriend who’d went all our decorating the apartment for Halloween. After all, it was his favourite time of year.  
To be fair, Jack loved it too. He loved cuddling up to Alex to watch horror movies, he loved watching Alex’s face light up as the towns and cities become more Halloween-themed. Fuck. He just loved Alex.   
The only issue this year was, he couldn’t be bothered. His eyelids were heavy and he was constantly choking up bile, his head was worse than ever and god he just wanted to be okay again. Not that he remembered what being okay felt like.

The month went by fast-ish, Alex would say, as currently, it had just not long past the half way mark. It was noon and Jack was still asleep beside where Alex sat on their bed, hardly responding to Alex’s pleads and pokes. Only making a low whine and stirring slightly.

Alex began to panic.

What if this was the end?

He couldn’t process any other thoughts. Just “endendend”. 

He shook Jack again.

And again.

And once more.

Jack’s tired eyes opened slightly, Alex nearly jumping in joy, only for them to shut once more almost instantly. Alex watched as Jack’s chest rose and fell. And stopped. The brown haired boy stared at his boyfriend’s chest, willing it to just please rise again but it never did. 

It took Alex god knows how long to move from the position he was sat in, hand on Jack, staring at his still chest.

Things were difficult following Jack’s death. Jack was dead. It still didn’t feel right. But Alex was as okay as he could be, he was beyond thankful for how his friends and family treated him. He truly didn’t deserve such amazing people. Twenty fourteen arrived and with that, Alex read a letter.

Dear Alex,

I’m starting this in a bit of a rush. I’m supposed to be doing something but instead I’m here, saying a goodbye that’s hopefully far in the future. In 2014. 

What’s it like now? Now that I’m gone. Weird thought isn’t it? I’m not alive. You’re reading the words of a dead person, since you’re probably hearing this in my voice in your head, I’m speaking to you from beyond the grave! How cool is that dude! It’s like a horror movie, I promise I’ll be a nice zombie wife to you and our zombie children. 

Anyway, how’s life treating you by yourself? Hopefully you won’t be by yourself for long, promise to let yourself fall in love again? You deserve it and I don’t want to have to watch you be all sad. I don’t know my views on the afterlife but that doesn’t matter. I’m with you now and forever, speaking of now, when me now. Or me in a few minutes. Is home, please cuddle him. Tell him how much you love him because I promise you he’ll say things that’ll make your little romantic heart crumble. In a good way, do I sound mean? Hopefully not.   
Hopefully this is a nice little new part of me, like a freshly grown pube! Gross. Ok I’ll stop.

I love you so much, Alex. More than words could ever describe, hence why I’m not trying on this but of paper. I think I’ve proven how much I love you. And no, it’s not past tense because I’m gone. It’s present. Because I’m always loving you. Always is always present. I’m not making much sense, this is a ramble.

Anyway, better wrap this up.   
I guess I’m like a unicorn.   
You can’t see me but you know I’m there.  
So there it is, Jack Barakat. I was a pretty cool guy, eh? So are you, Alex Gaskarth. You’re the coolest guy I’ve ever known. Thank you for joining that lame band of mine.  
I miss you so much, ‘till we meet again and you can tell me all your stories from the life you’re about to live, always and forever,  
your best friend and soulmate,

Jack. :) x


End file.
